Infertility isn’t something I ever imagined happening in my life. From the time I was old enough to know what a mom was, I knew I would be one. When I got married at the ripe old age of 28, (let’s get real, that’s basically 67 when you’re from Idaho/Utah) infertility still didn’t cross my mind. Shortly after we started to try to have kids, we found out we were pregnant but it didn’t last long. We’ve gone through three miscarriages and the doctors aren’t sure what caused any of them. It’s been a rough 5 years of trying and we still aren’t sure why we haven’t been able to have a baby. I don’t have PCOS, my husband doesn’t have any problems, I’ve been a gym rat for about a year, I diet most of the time (not during Cadbury mini-egg season though, they’re too good), we track my cycle, the list goes on and on.
That being said, I’m happy! I’m happy to be alive. I’m happy when friends have babies. I’m happy most of the time. Infertility has taught me a lot. It’s taught me that I’m stronger than I’ve ever known and it’s taught me that I’m weaker than I thought in some ways too. I’m typically a go-getter, work until the problem is solved, type of person but infertility stops me in my tracks. It’s like we get to the point in the process where I need to schedule appointments to move forward and I FREEZE. Self doubt creeps in and tells me that I don’t deserve to get treatments because I’m not a size 6 vegan, I don’t pray enough, if I’m happy than maybe I don’t want a baby as much as I think I do, maybe I don’t have the patience to be a mother and if God wanted me to be a mother, He would make it happen…. Self doubt people, it’s a real stinker. This is my time to move past that awful self doubt and recognize that I AM WORTHY of whatever it takes to make me a mother.